Songs of loneliness, longing, loving, life, loyalty, and loss.
The Long (19 songs) and Short (10 songs) of it. [Click on one/both of those]
WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT, VICKI?
Until you find the love you've missed, you're nothing."
(from Alfie by Bacharach & David)
Sometimes in life, the stars align and our breath is taken away.
For instance, with music, food, or humour.
It could be a meal, that perfect combination of flavour and texture, the umami moment. It might be a piece of music, where rhythm, rhyme and melody conspire in a confection that we never tire of hearing--the songs that sound as fresh and thrilling today as the first time we heard them. Or perhaps an obervation, turn of phrase or joke that has just the right mix of set-up, surprise and absurdity to elicit a wry smile and admiring "I wish I'd thought of that" nod to somebody else's insight and ingenuity.
Or it could be a special person. One who gets your attention, and you seek more involvement, and if you are very lucky indeed and the relationship deepens, and despite considerable differences, external and internal, you somehow hitch your wagons together and spend decades forging a path throught life, learning from each other and from the world around you. The sum can indeed be better than the individual components, if you have faith and trust, and determination and stamina, and you remain adaptable and pay attention to detail.
Reality check: we are all profoundly irrelevent peons, just like the cruel and destructive clowns who are running the White House these days---yes, Vicki wanted me to say that---but though we may have less influence, we should still strive to do right in the context of our tiny, temporary corner of the universe.
Personally, I seduce women with bad jokes, decent food, and great music. At least, that's the theory. The music, like what's on offer tonight, has always been carefully curated from the best sources. None of the songs are mine, but I do feel possesive about them. Some of the food is mine. All of the b/dad jokes are mine.
I didn't actually have much luck with this seduction strategy until 1983, in Ithaca, upstate NY. From then on, I can report a 100% success rate, based on a random sample of size 1.
The circumstances of Vicki and I finding each other is a tale for another day, but it's worth mentionning that it wasn't love at first sight, by any stretch of the imagination. However, jokes, food and music were central parts of our story, and they sustained us for another 41 years, through good times and very bad times.
Music is good for the soul, food is good for the body, and humour is good for the spirits. Then there's Thingy...
Music can resonate with us for all sorts of reasons: a captivating melody, an infectious rhythm or arrangement, a sentiment expressed. Maybe just a single line or quirky musical turn, or key change, or a tension breaking or emotion elevating middle eight. It doesn't imply uncoditional endorsement of a particular song or the artist performing it!
Keep that in mind when listening to the offerings below. There are a few moments in those songs which still "get me" to this day, inducing emotions ranging from euphoria to heart-rending sadness. And some of these gems only recently got my attenetion precisely because of the difficult times I've found myself in over the past year.
Likewise, one may keep returning to a favourite restauranr (or cookery book) to sample the same few dishes, because they simply float our boats.
Vicki floated my boat, and it seems that I floated hers. 1st Jan was our 38th wedding anniversary. For the first time ever, nobody mentioned it, not even us. But she opened her eyes that morning and told me that marrying me was the smartest thing she ever did.
Unlike with music or food, a life-long, lasting love does require unconditional acceptance and total committment. Approached in the right spirit, the love boat can be steered through waters calm *and* choppy. It's been an exhillerating trip but what a shock to lose Vicki overboard so soon, and in slow motion as we all stood by helplessly.
Frankly, the strength that Vicki found within herself to gracefully navigate the terrifying journey from diagnosis to death, in just under a year, also took my breath away. We all had to adjust to a nightmare new reality, as the life was slowly sucked out of her by this cruel disease, in time depriving her of the abilty to eat or move, or talk. Yet she flashed me a stunning confident smile as she settled into her wheelhair on the very last day she got out of bed, about 5 days before the end.
In the final weeks we fed many friends who came to cheer her, we listened to lots of fave tunes, watched Python and Curb, and some very old films including several Hitchcocks. With the girls, Vicki also watched classic chick flicks, and cooking and fashion shows. Ann and Molly read to her lot. We all showered her with love. She died alone, as most peole probably do, in her own bed, just 10 mins after being tenderly kissed again and told how much we loved her. I do believe she was at peace.
On course, over the past year, it was very necessary for those of us looking after her to "peek around the corner" a lot, often in stealth mode; there was no need to worry Vicki needlessly with details of what she would have to face in due course. But there was no point in hiding one's head in the sand either. We had to be constantly aware of what changes might be coming, and to anticipate and prepare for them--emotionally and in practical terms. House modifications, for instance, take time to plan and execute.
We were lucky to have fantastic home renovations guys, Dennis & Trent of DT Contracting in Tucker, who specialise in assessible living modifictions but also do general contracting. Their careful planning, attention to detail, quality of work, and respectful, considerate and skillful workmen, made them a joy ro work with. Add in their ability and willingness to adapt speedily when little issue come up, and their reasonable pricing, and I know Vicki would join me in giving them our highest recommendation.
We also benefitted from the support and love of so many friends, and the wise counsel of Vicki's best friend Joyce, who visited from Tucson so often, and gave Vicki a real boost each time.
Our new friend Helen, whose husband Rob endured ALS for over seven years, also provided much crucial, experienced and perceptive supportive. We thank her for stepping foreward and reaching out to us. Vicki enjoyed meeting her and Rob. Sadly, Rob died three weeks after Vicki did. But he left us two recent books!
Vicki wrote some poetry in 2024, which I have not seen; I think she shared it with the girls. I only found out recently that she wrote poetry 50 years ago! Indeed, an early NJ boyfiend fortuotously resurfaced a few months ago, totally out of the blue, and returned to her the hand-writen verse she had sent him all those years ago.
Vicki was born at Emory Hospital on Clifton Rd. (She worked almost across the street from that old maternity unti when Emory hired her in 1987.) As a child in the 1960s, she once played with the kids of MLK, Jr, here in Atlanta, GA. It was a church exchange program. She mostly grew up in New Jersey.
In 1976, right after she graduated from high school, her parents took her to London where she saw the Mouse Trap in the West End and loaded up on LPs by Jethro Tull and Monty Python. Not so far away, in Dublin, I too was already a devotee of Agatha Christie, Tull and the Pythons. And we both loved Simon & Garfunkel, Joni Mitchell (and in turn, Pat Metheny, Weather Report and much more). But we had yet to meet.
While at the University of Chicago (1876-1980), Vicki sometimes worked stage lights for concerts, included shows by Clara Schumann, Gordon Lightfoot and Johnny Winter. No direct ligths in Johnny's eyes, thank you very much!
Meanwhile, in Dublin, I'd merely attended concerts by numerous talented locals plus Ewan MacColl & Peggy Seeger, Eric Clapton, and Lou Reed.
The first musical act Vicki heard live was Jimi Hendrix in Jacksonville, in 1967, just before she turned 9. It wasn't planned, and she was baffled. She had gone (with he brother and a babysitter) to see the Monkees. Six years later, at my first concert in Dublin, with Jimi long in the grave, I walked in to the venue to hear a classic Hendrix riff ooming from the stage. I'd gone to see Thin Lizzy. Neither of us knew about opening acts in those innocent days.
Since Vicki and I joined forces in 1983, we've seen hundreds of great gigs together, from Billy Bragg to NRBQ, Carlene Carter to Nick Lowe (we didn't know they were married), Roger Chapram to Roy Harper, Ray Charles to Stevie Wonder, Squeeze to Cheap Trick, Pat Metheny to Chick Corea, the Neville Brothers to Neko Case, Simon & Garfunkel to Roxy Music, Beck to Gladys Knight, and Apples in stereo to the Zombies.
In January 1985 in London, we turned up so early for a concert by Ewan MacColl & Peggy Seeger--in a dingy room above a pub--that we got pressed into service as their roadies. We lugged equipment upstairs from their Morris Minor parked outside, and later, as our reward Peggy performed (per Vicki's requesl) her femenist STEM anthem I'm Gonna Be an Engineer.
Keef Richards blew Vicki a kiss in late 1989 when we saw the Stones at Trump Casino in Atlantic City on the Steel Wheels tour--we were in the second row. By the end of the show, she was pregnant. In fairness, she had been in the family way before the show started. But she kept that kiss in a box under the bed for years.
Being the mathematicians that we were, we went forth and multiplied. Ann arrived in the summer of 1990, and Molly followed suit three years later. What do you get when two strong-willed, stubborn, opinionated and very independent people togethr? Two new people with similar characteristics. Luckily for them, they inherited their finest qualities from Vicki, and they have shown enormous strength and resilience in the challenging end ever-changing year that we just endured.
Both girls have been subjected to our quirky tastes in humour, food and music ever since, as you are being here, tonight. Amazingly, it seems they emerged relatively undamaged. In the past year, I have witnessed Ann and Molly growing significantly as people, and really stepping up to the plate in very trying times. They certainly come from lines of strong women, on both sides.
As Vicki's wellbeing deteriorated with frightening and relentless speed, our old friend Priscilla Smith stepped forward and helped enormously; in time she became an essential part of Vicki's home care team. Amber was the real star there: she effortlessly deployed a combination of practical know-how, good cheer, empathy, and kindness. Sarah also came with ALS patient experience and always put a smile on Vicki's face. Vicki loved having these three around, and we were all touched by the skill, affection, and good humour that they each demonstrated in providing personalised care for her. Kate also helped a lot in the early days and prepared delicious and innovative culinary treats, skillfully adapting to Vicki's evolving abilities and needs.`
Back to music:
The last shows that Vicki and I saw together were Peggy Seeger in Belfast in 2022 (we both got Covid as a result), Gladys Knight in Dublin in 2023, and the Tommy musical last spring on Broadway (with the girls, we are all huge Tommy fans).
We've even been lucky enough to interact in person with Roger McGuinn of the Byrds, Robert Plant of Led Zeppelin, Ray Davies of the Kinks, Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull, and Richard Thompson of Fairport Convention. Our Ann took her first steps in life in 1991, in Oxfordshire, the day after being kissed by Richard.
About a decade ago, we cooked dinner for Charlotte Martin, who lived with both Eric Clapton (in the days of Cream), and Jimmy Page (later on). We watched the legendary 1967 Beatles All You Need Is Love TV broadcast on video together. She's in it. (Charlotte, not Vicki.)
Vicki never did realise her desire to meet John Cleese, but we saw him (and some other ex-Pythons) on stage a few times. In 2014, in London, we attended one of the excellent surviving Python reunion shows. (What self-respecting mathematician doesn't love the proposal at 1:20 here to "tax all foreigners living abroad".)
Great music, good laughs, fine food and firm friends. We shared so much of those and we are so grateful.
For the record, Barbara Feldon, aka Agent 99 from Get Smart!, was my first crush, in Ireland, when I was about 8. I see no reason to rate her any less than 99 out of 100 today. Wikipedia confirms that she is still with us, at age 92. I wonder if she likes Indian food or Father Ted or AC/DC?
But I digress.
The Long (19 songs) and Short (10 songs) of it. [Click on one of those]
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Reviewer 15: "A powerful and fascinating tribute to Vicki and your enduring relationship. Thank you for this in so many ways. I look forward to listening to all the songs listed and thinking about her, the shared love for music, food, family, friends, and of course math."
Reviewer 4: "I laughed. I cried. Thank you for sharing that."
Reviewer 23: "There have been many great tributes paid to Vicki which is fantastic. I only met her on a couple of occasions and I found her such a very pleasant person and so easy to get on and converse with. I might also add that she was lucky to have you and I could see the great connections and love between both."
Reviewer 11: "The socials and music for Vicki were indeed wonderful tributes."
Reviewer 34: "The stories, memories, and joy for Vicki's rich life with you and the girls that were shared this past weekend were just lovely. We met so many people touched by her brilliance."
Reviewer 20: "Thank you for including me in the gathering to honor Vicki. I know I was not in her inner circle, but she touched my life both professionally and personally in her down-to-earth-ness and her generosity, her interest in others, in fields outside her own, in politics and travel and cooking, all near and dear to me. I also enjoyed meeting some others in the gathering, retired Emory folks etc. and especially, hearing Colm's stories about their courtship and days at Cornell and in Hawaii... I was also struck by the clear sense of community you have in the Math department, not something one can take for granted in a workplace, and something to cherish. I'll listen to Vicki's playlist on my walks and will remember her fondly.. With gratitude and sinsere condolences."
Reviewer 8: "Thanks for sharing about you and Vicki. In the book, I wrote a small passage about a nice conversation that Vicki and I had at a conference concerning our kids and families. One small addition detail is we were talking about proving theorems verses holding your baby. She said "Who wouldn't want to hold their baby!" This really illustrated to me how much she loved her family."
Reviewer 26: "What a glorious tribute to Vicki! And a great playlist."
Reviewer 10: "I was very moved by your eulogy for Vicky and your playlist. Many favorite artists and songs of mine on there, too."
Reviewer 24: "Thank you for sharing the remembrances of Vickie's memorial. She was loved and cherished by so many. And her bravery will never be forgotten."
Reviewer 28: "Thank you for your essay on your and Vicki’s life. My heart aches for you. Treasure all those great memories. And thanks for all the info on your favorite music. It will educate me on the popular music of those years."
Reviewer 2: "Thanks for this beautiful tribute to Vicki and to your romance. Wonderful stories."
Reviewer 19: "Thanks for sending this, Colm. A lovely and moving tribute to Vicki."